A family of love

As Joan wrote in her blog, she and I returned from Georgia yesterday. It was a very difficult time for both of us but not for the right reasons. Joan and I have had this week to mourn the loss of Frank. Unfortunately we have also seen the good and terrible of the people in Frank's life. In Lynn's blog, she hinted at her disappointment and surprises. Since my brother can no longer be hurt, I will attempt to set down into words some of those things.

Last Saturday when Frank passed on, I knew it was my responsibility to accompany Frank's 27 year old son to Georgia . Fortunately for me, Joan understanding my pain decided to accompany us. Our goal was to help him handle the funeral arrangements, clear out Frank's apartment and do whatever else was necessary. Unfortunately, 2nd Son, apparently, did not see his responsibilities as son and heir in the same light as Joan and I saw them.

We were met at the airport by Frank's girlfriend A, who was obviously devistated by his passing. She was the person Frank called and it was A who along with a few of Frank's co-workers who received the news of his death from the Doctor. To be honest, I was surprised by the committment she indicated to Joan and I that she and Frank shared. To be honest, in all my conversations with Frank, and we spoke at least once a week, I never got the impression that Frank felt the same way about A. 2nd son decided to stay at Frank's apartment, while Joan and I decided to stay at the local Marriott. "A" told us that she had made an appointment with the mortuary at 11:00 the next morning, so we told 2nd son that we would call him at 8:00 and make arrangements for him to pick us up in Frank's car. After we dropped him off, and it was just Joan and I in the car, "A" completely fell apart. It was like she was mourning a husband, she was that devestated. She told us of the plans she and Frank had been making, including the move to Iowa. Joan and I told her nothing, we only listened and tried to console her.

When Joan and I were alone in the hotel, Joan who along with Lynn also spoke frequently on the phone with Frank asked me if she had missed something about Frank and A. I told her that in my mind, he was obviously leading her on. When we were in Iowa in June, Frank never mentioned bringing A. Although they had been together 7 years, they never lived together and Frank always told me he would never marry again. Frank and I were always honest enough to express what was in our hearts and if there was a thought of marriage and lifetime committment on his mind, he surely would have told me, yet he never gave me any indication he felt anything more than friendship for A. Joan and I decided that we would allow A to keep her memories and beliefs because Frank was gone, and there didn't seem any point now in taking her obviously cherished feelings about him. We have to let her keep whatever she believes Frank's intentions were.

The next morning, I called 2nd son at 8:00 but there was no answer. I kept calling every 15 minutes until it was 10:15 and I had to accept the fact that he was not going to meet us. His mother said he called her around 4:00 AM Georgia time, telling her he was driving around and was lost. Knowing his history, I figured he went to the Casino. I called A who came over to the hotel to pick Joan and I up and we went over to the Mortuary where we were met by Frank's boss S, his wife D and A's brother. I again called 2nd son but still received no answer. Arrangements had to be made at the Mortuary, so I decided that I would be the one to make them. Frank had wanted to be cremated. We were told that only Frank's heirs could sign the papers. My oldest nephew is in Federal prison (I am not going to even try to explain) and of course 2nd son wasn't with us. The funeral director told us he could contact the prison for 1st son's signature but had to have 2nd son's too. I told him I would find him and bring him down but in the meantime, I would accept the financial responsibility to the Mortuary for the funeral arrangements which was fine with him.

Fank's boss S told me that Frank's co-workers wanted to have a memorial service and that his company would probably shut down so that his co-workers could attend. We made arrangements for the services to be at 4:00 on Wednesday. Joan and I decided that no matter what, we would be there. After making the arrangements we could, we got the chance to spend a few moments with Frank. "A" went in alone first, then Joan, the rest of us. I had the chance to spend some time alone with him. I was both heartsick and angry and took the opportunity to tell him exactly what I was thinking, some of which wasn't very nice. It was a moment Frank would have loved, to be honest, and he would have put his arm around me and reminded me that nothing since we were kids had changed. He was exactly the same incorigable adult, he was as a child, and he still had the ability to make one forget how angry they were with him.

After we left the Mortunary, we headed over to the apartment only to find 2nd son asleep. When I woke him up, he was beligerant with us and could not understand why we were angry with him for missing the appointment. When I demanded that he come with us back to the Mortuary to sign the papers he reluctantly agreed. Apparently he was angry that he could not immediately get into Frank's bank account to remove money. It finally dawned on Joan and I that this was the ONLY reason he had come to Georgia. He didn't care about his father at all, only the money and once he found out he would have to wait for his inheritance, he was furious. After he signed the paper for the creamation, he was asked if he wanted to spend time with Frank. The look on his face showed that he really didn't but he was forced into a position to say yes, since Joan and I were with him. To say he spent a minute with Frank would be an overstatement.

When we left the Mortuary, I told 2nd son that there would be services for Frank on Wednesday. His response was the he would not attend. Joan and I didn't argue with him. We were both still angry with his attitude. My anger was not based on how he was treating his father, but how he was dishonoring my bother by his actions. We asked what he intented to do about the apartment and he mumbled something about not caring. All he complained about was not being able to get the money immediately.

Joan and I decided to rent a car so that we wouldn't have to depend on 2nd son for transportation with Frank's car. The next morning, Tuesday, 2nd son's mother called me to say that he had called her to say he wanted to go home immediately and that she had made airline reservations for him to do so. I was furious and told her exactly what her son was and told her what had occured the day before at the Mortuary. I asked her what they intended to do about the apartment and the car and she informed me that Frank's co-workers. I immediately called Frank's boss and told him that they were to do NOTHING and requested that he call her and tell her exactly that. Within a very short time, she called me and said that 2nd son had left the key to the apartment under the mat and was leaving immediately. Nothing about the apartment or car had been resolved.

Wednesday, we had Frank's memorial service. I was overwhelmed by the attendance. I think there had to be at least 200 people, maybe more , including the President of Frank's company and customers who had known Frank the 12 years he was with the company. there was a video of pictures plus Frank's favorite songs. Joan and I had written Frank's eulogy which I delivered, then of Frank's friends also spoke, then I delivered the closing prayer which was from the Moose Ritual. We asked if anyone wanted to speak and some did. Some also asked questions about Frank which I answered. After the services, many came up to me with hugs and encouranging words of love and friendship for both Frank and I. Some commented that my hand actions were so similar to Frank's that watching me talk about his life and telling naughty stories about him, was like watching him deliver his own eulogy. Everyone told me that Frank always spoke about his love for his family and that we would be surprised to learn how much they knew about us. I was not surprised. Frank loved to tell stories. That was one of his best attributes. Fortunately, none of these people knew the other side of Frank, especially A and that's the way it must remain.

I spoke with the funeral director, and asked him if I was authorized to make arrangements with him for Frank's ashes and he said that I could do that. I spoke with Joan and we decided that if I had them shipped to my home in California (2nd son never gave them his address), I could bury Frank but there seemed no point. A and Frank's friends and co-workers really wanted him to remain with them in Georgia. These people were not only his friends but by their obvious love for him, I understood, they would visit and maintain his grave site so I signed the papers to give his ashes to A who was so grateful.

After the services, Joan, Frank's boss, his wife and I went over to Frank's apartment. It was exactly as Frank left it Saturday. All 2nd son had taken was Frank's wallet (including the credit cards) and his important papers. The keys to the car were on the counter. The 4 of us looked through apartment. I found Frank's good watch in a closet, which I gave to Frank's boss to keep and his wife took some momentos of Frank. including some of his cooking utensils. I collected his work achievement certificates plus an award Frank had received (since there was no monitary value, 2nd son left those). I also found Frank's photo album which I claimed and a couple of Frank's shirts which I will wear and treasure. His boss agreed to send whatever I wanted to my house. Everything else we left exactly as we found it. I gave his boss the keys to the car and asked him to have the assistant manager of the apartment complex whose husband worked with Frank, move the car which is part of Frank's estate, to a secure place in the complex so that it won't be towed away when the managememt clears out the apartment. He called her and she agreed immediately. I told him to tell her to donate everything in the apartment to charity. There was nothing else I could do since it was obvious that 2nd son doesn't intend to handle anything.

Yesterday after we flew back, Joan and Rick dropped me off at 2nd son's mother's house to pick up my car . I met with her and let her have both barrels about my brother's greedy (plus a few other choice words) son, then I walked out of her house with the intention of never having anything to do with them again.

Joan and Lynn are furious and worried that I will be stuck with the bills incurred on my credit card, including the Mortuary, air fair, hotel and Car rental. A's brother who is an Attorney in Georgia suggested that I contact him if I needed help recouping my mortuary and other expenses.

I am so grateful to Joan for coming with me. She was my rock through this experience. She also help me write Frank's eulogy. Alone, everything would have been too overwelming to bear but having her with me made it so much easier.

I loved my brother so much. We shared a lifetime together. What I have seen this week is not important. What is important is to remember how much he loved us, something he reminded us every time we spoke. I am sorry we won't share Iowa together but knowing it was where he planned on retiring, is something I will have always.